This is definitely not what I should be thinking right now. Finding excuses to what I am facing isn't really what I need in life but I keep doing it. Suddenly something came across my mind telling me about how I wanted to be alone but I am not really living alone. I feel the rejections around me and making me not believe that I can move forward. Sighs, this is definitely something I need to surrender to God.
Let's just say I have glossophobia, which I don't think doesn't play a big role in why I am not willing to social. But it does give me something to think about. Afraid of rejections? Everyone in this world learns to take rejections, but why do I make it such a big deal as if the world is pressuring me. Sighs, another thought that shouldn't have popped out. Haha, what's the reason for me opening Facebook? Looking for new friends? Not really what I have achieved since I joined Facebook starting year 2007. Keeping touch with friends? Just a few, I would say only 4, if I can remember. And when my old schoolmates added me and when I added them, I never really talked to them. Just adding them for the sake of adding. What am I thinking? >.<''
Yeah, true, living alone facing digital social life is so much easier than making it in real social life. Maybe I really should go to the National Service to clear that kind of wrong concept up. The concept of unworthiness is always there. Dunno since when and dunno why it started, but it is something that makes me do things I don't really should do and things I don't wanna do. Should I make it to a point that I am also a failure in life? Kinda like a next item that should be added to my bucket list. XD
Oh dear, look at me, all dramatic and thinking too much. Guess maybe I am unworthy for someone to have me as a husband. But thank God for letting me have a few friends for keeps. Really appreciate them. And really wish they have a great life too. I guess it's time to go back to God. He's my only hope to getting out of this shitty situation. XD
But then, self realization that I am still someone to some people's eyes, that I am still a human to some people is something that I should learn everyday. Thanks to some people, some acquaintances, some friends, some family members, I stand before myself and live till this day. Most of all thank God... ^^
Signing off,
Despereaux De Joe...
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